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Inch of Water

from So Am I by Nathan Peterson

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  • I wrote this book during Olivia’s life—it starts from the day she was born and ends the day she passed away.

    This book is not about what happened on the outside (although I did include a journal entry for each month Olivia was alive to help fill in the story). This book is about what was happening inside me during these moments, and a condensing of the lessons I learned about life, living, and letting go from Olivia.

    The theme of this book, as was the theme of our lives during these 14 months, is *rest in the midst of uncertainty*.

    We found out about Olivia’s condition while Heather was pregnant with her. The following months were a blur of doctor visits, sonograms, meetings with specialists and grief counselors, planning for the day Olivia would be born… the day we would say goodbye.

    Everything was planned. I had a picture in my head. They said there would be a person there with a basket—that when we were ready, they would place her in that basket and take her away. I wondered what it would feel like after that. Would we stay at the hospital for a while? How would the drive home feel?

    It turns out that sometimes Trisomy 18 babies do survive birth. Sometimes they even come home for a while. I guess they figured they’d prepare us for the worst. Whatever “worst” is. “Worst” is definitely not synonymous with “most difficult”.

    Olivia came home. The following 14 months were full of the most difficult moments of my life. They were also full of the most beautiful ones. They were full of life.

    Olivia, a baby girl deemed “incompatible with life," brought a full lifetime’s worth of life into these short 14 months.

    Olivia, a baby girl, deemed “incompatible with life," redefined life for me and my wife and family.

    This book is my best attempt at sharing that life with you. And what I couldn’t fit into words, I poured into music.

    As you read the book—as you listen to the music—please let yourself return to where you are. Notice it. And notice that while my story is unique to me, it is also universal—it is your story as well. We all have our own path to walk; we are all on the same journey, somehow.

    THANK YOU for traveling these 14 months with me.

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about

My whole life I’ve felt like time is running out—like there is a bear behind me, chasing me through my life. No time to stop. No time to slow down. No time to think. No time to *breathe*.

I wrote this song several months into Olivia’s life. Like most of my songs, I was thinking of some other person who needed to hear these words, when it was obviously what I needed to hear.

*You have wings. You’ve always had them.*

During Olivia’s life, we had to constantly remind ourselves that we weren’t going to die. It felt like we would. And even though Olivia would at some point die, in that moment she was alive… and so were we.

Even before Olivia, I’ve always been afraid to slow down. “The bear is behind me.”

It’s a useful trick. If someone wanted to render my life useless, all they would need to do is put the idea in my head: “A bear is behind you… time is running out… you’re going to die.” I better run. I better not slow down.

It’s ironic how an *actual* life-or-death situation can jolt us out of our day-to-day, habitual state of fight-or-flight. Olivia forced us to slow down. I suppose we could have run even faster, but we didn’t want to miss her life, so we slowed down. We stopped.

In our stopping we realized the truth:

*Time is not running out. There is not someone chasing you down. You are not going to drown.*

What I found in the slowing down, though, is that I don’t run only because I truly believe there is a bear chasing me. Even if I know there is no bear, I don’t know how to stop. I’ve been running this way for so long. I don’t know any other way to be.

It’s become a habit, this running—this day-to-day state of flight-or-flight. Something in me doesn’t want to let that go—it’s too scary… it’s too painful.

But we weren’t made to live like this. We have wings. We were made to fly.

lyrics

Time is not running out
There is not someone chasing you down
You are not gonna drown

It's just an inch of water
Not enough to make you drown
It's just a rope they tied on
But it's enough to hold you down

You can run, you can fly
You have wings, you've always had them
You are not gonna die

It's just an inch of water
Not enough to make you drown
It's just a rope they tied on
But it's enough to hold you down
But it's enough to hold you down

Is it enough to hold you down?

credits

from So Am I, released June 23, 2017
Written, recorded, performed, produced by Nathan Peterson
Mixed by Matt Rausch, Nashville
Mastered by Tom Baker, LA

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